Life's just a Show and we're all the Actors

I'm sorry again for not posting. I have my reasons.

So everytime i want to blog, i just can't bring myself to do it. Its like my whole life's falling apart. I don't know where to turn to anymore. Life's just to hard to live alone. Even though there seem to be so many people around me i feel so alone. This past year, i suddenly drifted away from all of the people i call friends. School and church. I suddenly can't talk to them, can't share with them, can't even hang out. Everyone is going on their own. I've tried my best in the past to hold us together but this past few months expecially have been very hard for me. Can you imagine so much imotion and thoughts that have no outlet? I can't blog them all out here because its just too personal. And i don't really have anyone that i can tell it to. I'm really suffering. I just can't function anymore. I can't sleep every night because i think and i think and i think. I just can't sleep. I want to cry but i can't because real men don't cry and i'm a real man.

I'll share with you something. I have a really bad problem. I can't stop eating no matter what i do. No matter even if i tell myself to stop. I tell myself after eating a big meal that i won't eat again for the whole week. Then a few hours later i start eating. And after that i feel so guilty i make the same promise to myself again. I can't stop. My body won't me stop. I just keep going and going on a never-ending vicious cycle. Destroying myself slowly but steadly. I have been loosing alot of weight until a week ago when this started. Now i'm back to the same weight i was at the begining of this year. It has gotten so bad that i ripped my pants when i bended down. A pants that i never had a problem with. I feel like crap and i can't do anything about it. I can't tell anyone and i'm taking a big risk by posting this but there's no where else to turn to. Even now i'm drinking a 1.5 litre bottle of ice lemon tea and i can't stop because if i do i won't feel high anymore and i'll feel like crap. I just feel like there's no hope.

I've finally decided what i knew all along. I want to become a doctor. I know its a long and hard road but i'm not going to give up. I'll work very hard and make a better life for myself.

I just found out that they're reviving the our M-gang blog. I suddenly felt like crying after i saw all the old photos. I used to be ok. I used to have friends to have fun with or to cry with. What happened? I always tried to reach out but bit by bit they moved away to their own friends. It started very slowly. We removed each others names from the best friend section. We stopped eating recess together. We stopped going out together. And then we stopped talking to each other altogether. Everybody keeps acting suprised when they realized that we've drifted this far but i watched silently as all these signs happened. I knew they were happening but i just couldn't do anything. I didn't even try because i just withdrawed from everything. I can't keep up this fake smile anymore. Now i lie to everyone by telling them that i'm tired or didn't get enough sleep hoping no one would believe that such a comedian could ever be sad. Now more then ever, i need friends but i just can't reach out to anyone anymore. I've just become so distant emotionally and so numb to everything that i don't even remember the last time i really smiled or had fun. I don't remember how to hang out. I don't even remember what i didn. I just rather sit quietly in one corner and think until i have to go home. I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe i need to see a doctor or something but you know, i don't really care. And i'm still deaf remember. It doesn't help that i'm totally useless. I'm fat, ugly and i used to be smart but not anymore. I'm only funny on the outside and i'm an empty shell. I don't think i ever made a difference on this earth. And nowdays even music doesn't wisk me away to another world. I just drift by life like a ghost, not caring if time kills me or not. And its makes me sad to think back to when i was ok. To when i still had friends and could laugh without thinking about what was going to happen in the future. I can't even remember the last time someone showed genuine concern about me. Church is a farce. I don't think going makes a difference in my life. School is just travelling to me. I know that maybe i'm just crazy but i don't know what's happening to me. I can't love anymore. Not anyone. I'm just sickened by what people in love do. I hate couples because i know that will never happen to me. I hate groups of friends because normal people my age hang out and have fun. They don't have to think and worry everyday. They don't have to hide their whole life. I wish i could rewind my life back ten years and change everything for the better. Maybe if i was thin. Maybe if i was cooler. Maybe if i was rich and actually had money to spend. Maybe life would not be so bad. No one knows what i'm going through. You're supposed to go through major crisises one at a time, not all at once. I hate it when people cry and want to end their life over minor stupid issues that are so superficial. I just want to smack their face and tell them to shut up. They just want attention.

My social life has been so boring and mundane. I used to be a happening person but now...everything has changed.

Guys, about the potluck, i can't have it at my house. And for once, can someone else organise it and consider everyone's feelings before oding anything stupid like going to sembawang park AGAIN. I want to go to somebody's house and cook there. Have a sleepover where everyone tells truth or dare and tells ghost stories. Can one of you do it because i really want to but i'm not in the right state to organize anyhting. And since when has anyone ever listened to my ideas seriously unless one of the major people like fann or joann say something. So please, someone.

help me please.....

What's playing- Sorry by Madonna

SupremeShaun is sleek and Handsome @ 12:31 am