Life's just a Show and we're all the Actors

I didn't go to school today, stayed home cause my back has been giving me problems. Stupid small sling bag.

I've been kinda down recently, its just hard to be happy nowadays. I don't know if its just me or if its everyone but, isn't life getting suckier by the moment? Its like suddenly the world really sucks allot. I've been feeling really weird this couple of weeks.

Its like I'm from this world but not apart of it. A stranger looking in at the chaos in this world and feeling much sympathy for it. I spent my Sunday wandering around my estate looking at the world. The was people interact, walk past one another not knowing if they had done that before. And I realised that there was nothing I could do to affect the world. That it was separate from me. I really feel so different. Like my life is not my own. Its not a depressing feeling nor a suicidal one but, not normal.

I've been watching what has now become my number one favourite show in the world "Kyle XY". I just watched the most recent episode earlier today and now I have to wait a whole week for the next episode. The show is so different from anything I've ever seen. I feel so akin to the show. Maybe that's what's displacing me from my life. Nothing feels real anymore. Nothing really matters to me anymore. I don't care if I eat or sleep or get good grades. I just need to talk to someone about all this. Then I realised that I don't truly have anyone that I can talk to. Friends, yes lots of them, i think. But someone to talk to? I realised that I've never had any one true friend that I could call when I needed help or go to when I needed a listening ear or even ask for advice from. I am truly alone in this world, apart from everyone else, separate, different. I guess that's just the way I have to continue. I though of talking to a counsellor but the one in my school was busy and I can't get the numbers of the hotlines. I guess it wouldn't matter even if I did get them. They wouldn't understand. Its different from television. Life really sucks Shaun, get over it.

Its really scary if you think about it. Time is just passing by so quickly and there's nothing any of us can do about it. One moment you're in you're childhood and the next, you're on you're deathbed saying goodbye to the world. Nothing is ever certain in this world other than death but even then, what's after that? Heaven? I believe in God but then why am I feeling this way? I'm not super smart, super fit or good looking. And I'm not normal either. So what am I?

My pay came in on Monday and I bought an electric toothbrush, new toothpaste, some stuff for my face and ate dinner. It made me happy for awhile. Simple things to dull out the pain. Money is not important after all. I need to go on a journey to a far away place. New Zealand? UK? America? Someplace where its peaceful and quiet, no deadline or assignment or expectations to be fulfilled. I want to look out over the horizon and feel at peace with myself, that I truly am living in this world. I love my country but its too much, its people are slowly dying and only money and temporal wealth is keeping us alive. NO! No more will I just live as I'm told. I'm trapped, within a box, like a butterfly trapped in a glass jar. Let me out, will you let me out?

Sometimes I wish that I am unique, better than just the normal. And not that all these would be in my mind but be real, that I am special, really special. And that I was safe, and not alone. Never alone again. ......Different.......from now.......please...

I'm just going to go on, maybe one day someone will come and tell me that none of this was ever real. Maybe.~

SupremeShaun is sleek and Handsome @ 2:10 pm